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Thursday, August 30, 2007
`'And these chucks will be my lifelong optimism.'
 "AND IT'S MY FAULT, ALL OVER AGAIN." I'm not even feeling angry right now, just useless and pathetic. Why do I break so easily behind my Mother's back? What power does she have, that can ruin me and cause so many tissues to be used, hence killing Earth. Actually that was all my fault. Cause, it's always my fault. Let me quote a few from Mother Dear. An incident! Woahohs. She b___ed to the adults and all, about my marks and constantly degrades me daily. -To Tuition Teacher-: "Manen de hua yu chengdu, shi "Below Average" de. Ta xu yao tuition, zhe ge xing qi..." ["Go and get a pen and write this down now."] "Monday? 2pm? Hao." "Tuesday, 1pm?" "Then either Thursday or Friday we can fit in one class lah. Xiexie! Dui bu qi manen YOU mei you zuo ni de gong ke." Basically, she was implying directly that I am failing in the aspects of: time management, lazy to do her tuition homework, very slack and grades are atrocious, "poor performance" in general. I'm sure you get the picture. And thens, wows. "I am going to teach you the whole year Science syllabus in that one week. Because I can clearly see you are not coping well." and then she smiles and gives me a hug again like nothing's wrong, cause it really doesn't mean a thing to her. And what about the power failure tmr. I'm actually disappointed I didn't even get to say goodbye to my class, which I love more than Mother now. I'm sorry, I'm honestly not biased but to someone who is terribly insensitive as you can see this is beyond an understatement. Well to continue. "Well, I'm so happy!" "This means, you can" "Stay home and do all your tuition homework, piano, your whatever LD thing, and at least 1 1/2 hours of Science with me." "And if your tuition happens to cut into your time then..." "Well you will have to forfeit going back to your primary school." -twinkles- "I don't care whatever you say!" She has long since turned into Umbridge. Signs and symptoms, are just too strong. "And your msning now is a waste of time. Can you just call your classmate to confirm there's no school tmr?" "Who cares you are not going tmr. I want you to wake up at 8 and finish all your tuition. "It's really all your fault your grades are dropping." And if that's not enough, I think back to what Chan said. -smiles, but to me rather a grimace.- "What happened?" -folds arms- "Is it your partner?" [No.] "Is it the monitor duties?" [No.] -my fists clench- -before she has a chance to cut in.- "It's my time management problem again." -smug smile- "So you know what to do for Term 4, then." [Thank you, Ms Chan.] I receive the report book and hesitantly and reluctantly look at the grades. I don't even know why I bother. After all, isn't everything lower than an A1 useless to Her? When I topped the class in English, did she care? She knows nothing about the kindness award, which 1 Truth thought I deserved for Term 2, but I really don't deserve it. And see? Chan, I'm so unstable, woahs I need counselling! And what's more. I'm AskinG for it. What better way(: Your monitor, in shreds. And what do you feel Accomplishment? Who's the one who needs reflection now. Me, or am I just putting the blame on various people who have caused obstacles in my short life of 13 and a half years. You know, I never ever go out. Only for projects, which she scolds me cause I have too many of them. She's monitoring everything I do. She plans to come back from JB earlier, to continue intensive training. And oh yes, she walked into my room just now and didn't even see me crying. When she went out I blew it. 25 minutes straight, I was even gasping for breath. That was the worst ever breakdown I think. I kept thinking of her words. Of Chan's evaluations. Of Shu helping me. She's such a nice friend, and I don't deserve the help. With everyone asleep at that hour.. it really felt very alone. With Shuqing knowing my plight, that was better. I felt so bad. Like, she has a plantation and I used tons of tissue, there was barely a few plys left. Save Earth, I would rather die. And, good riddance maybe she'd think. She wouldn't have to train me in all my subjects to score high. She wouldn't have to waste her breath on me. Haha. And by the way, I really don't wanna participate in the Family Concert. I am feeling no churchly ties. Conspiracy; I really wanna study with Shu at the library, it will really help, like when Erina taught me Math. And she willingly offered to tutor me more, but then I was too afraid to even raise the subject to my mother, a math teacher. Erratic breaths and gasps. I don't have an inhaler, nor do I want one. I was hoping I might get a heart attack, but the critical moment's passed, awhdarn. Then she could see how I died. Then maybe I'd matter' Just this little bit more. It's not my fault? Why's it not? All this trouble. Doesn't it revolve around me? Black hole;. It's worse than the worlds colliding, cause One Truth was always there. As for just now, I felt so alone. It's worse than that other dilemma we'd had recently. Manz. I really don't want this to come across as some b___ing post about my Mother or unfairness and cliche shit in this world. Because I don't mean that. I just want to remember this incident, and how Shu Qing helped me so. I think my eyes are bloodshot and my face just looks a huge mess, yeah I threw myself on the floor to breathe better so what. Ooh, self-hurt talk in school today. That helped, tons. And I just laughed it off at first. I didn't know how it related. So quickly, so something which happened to me. `300807.
11:34 PM
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megnut dia
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